Yes, I realized I've been away for almost a year! Sorry for not updating anything at all. It has been a hectic year in 2012. My 1st year in uni as a 2nd year student, YES it is stressing out me! It's not easy to be like an iron woman, so I got sick for a few times last year especially when it's all the burning midnight oil completing my assignment time. Trying not to be a slack ass, but it seems quite impossible with work and tiredness to deal with. Perhaps I'm getting OLD! And yes! I'm officially 21! Had a great celebration but a long night shift on my birthday night =( Well, someone used to tell me, think about the money my dear! Not being money minded but perhaps it's essential at the moment.

I've set plenty of goals in 2012, I wonder if I've fulfill all of them. Well, there is one that I'm sure I failed to accomplish. I was so determine to stay single for the last year, but I didn't managed to. Someone steal my heart! Hahaha... I don't know if this is a good decision, but I hope time will prove the love to me. At least all of these that I have ever done would be worth it for my fragile little heart that I have. Thanks for everything too! Life is weird, I mean I can't really have a word to describe it. But I have never imagine to be with someone that I used to always see at the bus stop but rarely speak too. And I knew I was wrong being judgmental by look and behavior. I mean you weren't like what I thought you are, a lot better than I thought. I suppose everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes I wish I have super power that I could read people's mind, but I'm so afraid of knowing the truth. I wish I have more confidence with myself that I would accept the good things in my life happens because I deserve them but not just a luck. I don't have the strongest heart that I wanted to go through so many ups and down in my life. So I wish my life would just be simple and easy, Sounds quite impossible.

Nothing much that I would hope for this year, it has already been a good start having a holiday at Sydney, feels like dream come true. I'm just hoping for a good start and good ending for uni and graduate as a Registered Nurse. Not to forget about being love by people around me and loving my family more, and perhaps if I could afford to be home. Currently in homesick mode, yes it has been nearly 15 months since I last went home. I suppose this is gonna be the first time for me to not be home for at least 2 yrs. Anyway, be strong Michelle=)

Hey guys! I know it's been a while since I updated what I'm up to. Somehow I seems to have a kinda busy life. Hmm, still the daily chores and old routines. I know February is about to come to an end, and yet I'm actually writing my new year resolution now. Ooopss! Sorry for unable to keep things updated. Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep things up to scratch. It'll be a bit to talk about here.

It's a new year for me. It'll be a new life, taking on a new role at work, will be working with the organisation for 2 yrs on next week. New Uni life too! I'm kind of excited but anxious at the same time. I knew I chose a different path from everyone else. No looking back but time to strike for the best, leave no regrets and prove things right=D I knew I'll need lots of hardwork this year. Things won't be easy especially in such a high reputation Uni. I could only try my best and focus on things as much as possible. It's tougher when I have to deal with work at the same time, things seems different when you have greater responsibility. Somehow, it double ups the pressure when you're trying to afford your living expenses and trying to pay off your fees. It doesn't take you anywhere thinking of how hardworking you gotta be for all of this.

I think I'll need heaps of effort concentrating on both studies and work. Just somehow, my life equation for the next 2 year would be:
Family(25%)+ study(25%)+ work(25%)+ friends(25%)=100%

I just want it to be this way. No relationship for me I suppose. Maybe it's too much, kinda scary or just simply too complicated. Like what I mention, I'm single, but not available. Right now at the moment, I need to focus on study and work. I'm sorry and I do felt bad. But I gotta somehow go on with my life and think about it when it's the time. I appreciate for all the things I have and what people have done to me. I had a pretty good Valentines Day, we never knew what's gonna happen in the future, but I'm content with what I have. I'm always feeling lucky for everything.

In this new year, I don't want to disappoint my family and most importantly my parents. I don't want them to worry about me at this age. And I remember promising dad to study hard towards my dream. Perhaps it is not too late to realize when I came to Adelaide that how much they have sacrifies to bring me closer to my future. I have to be responsible for my own life and work hard towards what I'm anticipating. I always have a wish and hopefully could make that come true soon. At the moment, I'll keep that as a mystery=P

I suppose at the moment, I've clarified my new year's resolution. I always wanted to go around Australia when I'm still studying, and I've crossed off one more state now! It's just Sydney, Canberra and Tasmania to go=) Just came back from Brisbane, and I absolutely love it! Great place and not to forget with people that I appreciate in life=)

In a nutshell, I suppose I just wanna stay sweet and have a great year♥♥

How's life been? I've been questioning myself. Honestly, it's all about work! Well, I'm getting used to work as a Registered Nurse now. It's a bit too much for me to begin with, but I tried my best. It is definitely brilliant to get compliment from the manager that she could see me handling things in a professional way and follow up things efficiently. I suppose, I should have more confidence with myself.

It has only been a couple of months since I'm officially taking on an Enrolled Nurse position, and yet I'm given a chance to deal with something more than that. I should really say, this is out of my expectation, and I'm looking at myself as kind of lack of experience. I hope students learning from me is finding it alright:) Undeniably it's kinda stressful sometimes, it feels like I'm spending my whole day in that place dealing with old people, doctor, phone calls, pharmacy and staff. Well.. Basically everything that happens in a day, you're responsible for it.

At some point, I think it's too much. I need some de-stress. But every time when you took some time off the roster, you knew that you'll have to make it up next time. Just because you're making your own living, I gotta pay my rent.. I gotta think about my fees. Days off are technically just for a rest, it's only physically. Mentally up there, I don't think I ever did have a rest. Maybe I'm worrying too much..

I guess that is why I reckon, I could only handle study and work in the coming 2 yrs. Commitment is too much, not that I'm not willing to contribute part of my life, but somehow life doesn't seems to always appears in the way you wanted it to be! People take things for granted, and I believe no one would understand more than I do if things are worth it for a long wait or taking it easy.

There are always good and bad side just like head and tail on a coin. Sometimes it doesn't means that things are good when I didn't voice out the dark side. I suppose I'm not great but at least I knew the basic of judging whose good to me. I think I should stop wasting time for people that ask more than give. Or perhaps, taking things for granted that only appears when they need you. I need to love myself more than giving the privilege away to someone that probably doesn't worth it.

I felt sorry, for people who likes and loves me. I'm so lucky to have people that's treating me so nicely. But I think things would remain the same for the meanwhile. We'll never know what's coming to us in the future, but I'm truly sorry. I wish I could cherish what's in front of me, but somehow it doesn't work out. There's always something bothering me, even though I tried to get rid of it. That's human, always wanted something that doesn't belong to you...

Yeah right, it's a New Year! Well, wasn't that excited right at the moment. This is not a new year post,just right at the moment, I feels like writing. There is too much things going on at the moment, too much bothering me. Or perhaps, I care about things too much. Wasn't in the very best mood at the moment, just something doesn't seems to be right. Hey, can't believe I'm back here for 2 months already. I have no idea what I've done except working hard. It's only 2 months, and I'm getting tired already.

Maybe I was just grumpy that I worked last night. Not that it was bad, but it was absolutely good. Just that I didn't get to sleep, and pretty cross with the housekeeping that was bothering me from sleeping. And... now I guess I mess up my biological clock. How great, I'm working in the morning tomorrow. I hope my brain is fine=D

I will make up a post for new year, when I have time to do so. Gotta talk about the new year resolution=)

I really wonder how long can I hold on there with determination. No one is gonna stay there forever. I don't know what's bothering me? I'm just not me today. I miss HOME, I feels like CRYING! This is really BAD! Can you imagine? I feel bad because people has been too good to me, I don't know what can I do to repay. I know deep in my heart, I would never be able to repay in the way you treat me. And what about things that I care? What does it means when you only care about it when you have time?

If I have a chance to choose, I don't want anything. But leave me a peaceful life if you didn't meant to be straight forward. I need to have my own life.

我突然不晓得自己在干什么，只是知道我今天花了好多时间在厕所里，泻了一整天，也快脱水了吧！感觉我快疯了！我什么也做不了，因为肚子疼得要命。我只是看着偶像剧，然后一直往厕所跑！累了，但却睡不着。快来救救我啊！

刚刚在看"我可能不会爱你"。这部偶像剧真的很有意思，也让我想了好多！也许有些人觉得闷，但至少我觉得很真实。现实里，应该会有这样一个人吧！还有那男女之间那复杂的关系，我们谁也无法了解。说不出口的有很多，埋藏在那以后的也许会就这样错失应有的。

有时候我们会习惯一个人对我们的好，然后渐渐的这变成了一种依赖。人家都说不要爱上一个人对你的好，因为你不晓得他可以对多少个人好，但对你好不代表他爱你。很复杂吧！大人的世界就是如此，所以我好不想长大！

有一个你不用多说就能明白你的心情的人，是件幸福的事=）有一个当你有烦恼，愿意听你诉苦，然后再想办法帮你解决的人，是件幸福的事=)有时候我总在想，朋友和情人之间，是否一定要存有那灰色地带呢？而那说不清的地带，到底算什么？不说清楚真的好过吗？

心情很差的原因在哪我真的不想说，只是我真的没有很好。在这一刻我希望自己什么都别想，但我好像办不到。有些事情我真的该好好想想，给自己一个期限，然后再去追求值得的。

It's only been like 2 weeks plus since I came back to Adelaide. Well, it seems like it's been ages for me! I suppose time flies, but it goes quick when you're busy. I've been spending most of my time on work, class, and getting myself back to a healthy lifestyle. Honestly, it's too hard! Especially when you were ask to work a double shift or night shift like last minute. And your time eventually get mess up again=/

Owh:( I miss home badly when I first got back. It's hard to believe that you'll woke up in the middle of the night and find yourself in tears or wetting the pillowcase. I suppose STRESS has push me up to such a limit!

There's so much that I really miss back home. I don't know but somehow I guess it must be quiet at home now. I seems to be making noise or perhaps I talk.. and talk for the day!=D I miss moments where everyone treat me like a baby. You'll never get daddy who get rids of the fish bones because he knows you'll never have it if you gotta do it yourself. You'll never get mummy that try to cook whatever you like when you're home=D You'll never have brother that get you food all the time like you were gonna starve and make fun of you like a kids! And you'll never get a sister to have pillow talk with you and sleeping together=) or probably hits you in the middle of the night.. *evil*

That's the difference of being home and Adelaide:) there's so much memories with friends and cousins where you grew up together. There'll be heaps of silly stories that you could never imagine. 2 yrs it's not gonna be short! But perhaps that's how life is, when you wanted something better, you'll have to work hard or give up something.

Life in Adelaide is great too! But it's more to a planned and organized life. My day has always been planned in advance of a month according to my roster and time table. I'll have to be on my own most of the time. But I reckon I'm a lucky girl. I have a great workplace, and having those lovely and caring colleague. I felt warmth and you guys just gave me all the happiness especially I'm so far away from home at this age:) Not to forget about those old people that I'm taking care of=D Your thanks means a lot to what I did for you, a big smile would be worth it=) Honestly, I'm enjoying my time with you all, getting to spend time with the oldies was part of my life. Thanks for looking after me, and being so caring when I was so tired from work.

Out of work, I have some social life too:) It's acceptable to be insane sometimes, that creates some memorable moments in life! Sometimes I'm so afraid of losing all of these. But somehow, things get complicated when you grow up, and that'll be another chapter of life right?

I really wonder if it's a right decision of getting into Flinders University which seems so tough compared to UniSA? But perhaps, I want something better.. And obviously it's not gonna be easy to get it.. But I suppose, the outcome would be fruitful=D So, Gambateh Michelle! It's a good thing trying to hold on till I get there:)

There's always matter I couldn't even explain in my life. As I said, it's out of my capability to differentiate the line between a friend or something more than that. But perhaps, I'm always glad to have you<3 At least I realize that I've been relying on you for the past 2 yrs and even up till now. We never know what will happen in the future since it's unpredictable. I know it's time to let go of something that doesn't worth it and go on for something better or perhaps someone who deserves it! I never know fate could be in such a unexplainable way and I always wonder why is that? If I was given a chance, I hope the story would end as I wished=D Unfortunately, it's not up to me, and we'll see what will happen. Sometimes I found myself kind of stubborn or stupid to only realize things when it's already over=/ In between being harsh and letting go, I always give up!

Anyway, 'Rock n Roll' Michelle! You need more faith to hang on there=D

越是长大，我越能明白不想长大的原理。越是了解，这一切都变成了恐惧...我希望生活很平凡，但往往自己却比想象中幸福，但我却开始逃避，因为我不想面对总有一天也许会失去的事实。有时候，现实很美，但在我看来，是很难面对的事情，因为我岂人忧天，总是在为还没到来的事情提心掉胆。

请你不要用你的想法来猜测我的思想，因为你不够了解我！如果你什么都不说，我只能说自己白目得什么都不懂。如果你想无理取闹，那我一概不理。如果你想发脾气，如果我认为自己没有错，那请你气消了再回来找我吧！如果你毫无警戒的干涉我的生活，那对不起...我一点都不好过。如果你是小气家，那我们也许就无缘了！很多事情，我都能够包容，只是不要得寸进尺，不要干涉我的自由，不要在毫无原因的情况下要求我得把你摆在第一位。

我没有大家眼里那般洒脱，至少在从恋爱变成单身的我，有好多失眠的夜晚。洒脱只是伪装的面具，那是射手座的本性。我希望自己在大家面前至少是开朗乐观的。我可以在这一刻带着欢笑，下一刻却沉静冷漠。我固执得可怜，固执得灌溉自己是多么的坚强，却从来不为自己的悲伤着想。

射手是大家公认的花心星座，其实他们不是花心，只是不晓得这一次能够相信吗？当曾经的信任，在这一刻变得伤痕累累...那我可以什么都不要，因为这已让我变得狼狈不堪，心里没有恨，只是那默默的忧伤。有时候，竟然还可以笨得相信烂借口，因为我心软，因为我抵不过泪水，抵不住现实的残酷。我宁愿活在回忆，至少那是美好的！只是，我在大家眼里，笨得无可救药！我后来发现，也许自己根本就分不清好人坏人..

我努力的笑，但心里头痛的很...不能面对现实时，我只好让生活过得忙碌，但夜深人静时，我也只能面对自己。伪装的乐观也许很痛苦，但请你笑一笑，让我觉得这一切会值得！

Hey there! Life has been truly great too me. Giving me so much great people and most importantly those great memories. Honestly, this trip back is all about unexpectation. All I have in my mind previously was just getting a good rest and be back to the tough life again. But I had such a sweet dream. Omg! Like seriously, thanks guys! I think I'm lucky to have all of you.

13 years of friendship and yet it will always go on as I know. From primary school where I'm just a tiny monitor up till today which I'm already an Enrolled Nurse. I probably don't look like one, more to a crazy nurse thoughXD Things never changed, it's just that we all grew up. Everyone is getting engaged with a busy yet different life. It wasn't that simple as it used to be.

I was supposed to return to Adelaide on the 17Oct but ended up postponing it for another 2 weeks. I would have missed out some amazing moments if everything was settled on time. I know I was gonna miss Curry... Tom Yum... and Mushroom!XD Not the food, but the people. I couldn't recall all of those ridiculous stories. But, there's lots of fun! From how we got ourself a name based on the food, to how we use that in our daily life=D From the stories of ah piao, to ham sap beh beh!

Those 2 weeks was probably moments where I laughed the most. Hoepfully it's not the quota of the year yet! There's just no worries being together with you all. All we enjoy was being able to spent those time together and just LAUGH! I wish I could celebrate my birthday with you guys this year, but it doesn't seems possible. I wonder how would my 20th birthday gonna be like? All I know was, hey.. I'm getting old!

Hahaha=) And I was gonna be celebrating new year all by myself. That seems pretty lonely aye? It's okay, be strong Michelle! Life is tough, but I gotta go on. Even I'm just by myself, I'll have to get it through. It's like another week away from return to where I belong. It's time to get myself back on track aye? I'm kinda sad, and probably kind of insane right at the moment. Just hope that the feeling of homesick won't kill me later on. Cheers!

I have no freaking idea what's in my mind right at this moment. But this drawing just came out with such a phrase. I reckon that's probably something that was moving around in my mind. "World seems small, but we're right opposite on the globe."

All of a sudden, I have this strong feeling of going to beach. I must have gone insane somehow. I wish I'll use my mind to get what I want instead of letting my mind to do what mind wants.

There's so much wish where I hope it'll come true. But being truly honest, none of them seems to be possible. There's so much things bothering me at the moment. I know what to do=D I really do! It's about time to get myself back on track.

There's so much things that I should really think about it. It's time to get back to healthy lifestyle, it's time to get back to study, and it's time to be a workaholic again. I'm not really a workaholic, but that's what it is trying to get along with reality.

I'm afraid of losing? YES! Definitely! Not everything will leave me alone, but not everything will stay either. Sometimes, I hate being a sagittarius.. I hate thinking too much and keeping it to myself. When I question myself, I'm probably afraid of having to face stressful moments and tough life on my own. I probably seems pretty tough, but you never know, how much tears was needed to be able to stand on my feet. But I never give up, even though sometimes it was out of my expectation.

Nothing ever seems to be easy to me. At least it never happens in my life up till now.

I don't know what to say and I have no clue how much time do I need. But it's so hard to have faith and believe once again. It's difficult getting to hold something on your hand, but it's even tougher having to let go.

It's too hard to describe how is it like getting into such a situation. Dilemma? I'm feeling so lucky to own everything I have at the moment. Everyone has been treating me in such a nice way. It wasn't that it's only a single person but everyone did! Somehow I wish it wasn't true.. I'm putting myself in such a situation that I don't know what to do being care by everyone. The more care I've got from everyone, the feeling of insecure gets stronger. I'm so afraid that things will come to an end and I have to go own by myself again.

This is too cruel! I know it's impossible to keep things forever. But.. Is there a way to keep part of it? Life goes on and I have to move forward. Can I keep something with me for this upcoming journey? It's so hard to keep going, and I'm afraid of what's coming up.

This is reality! Telling me to wake up when the dream is coming to an end.

如果世上发生的每件事都有原因，那我好想知道，这一切到底意味着什么？不要让我如此的幸福，因为我好害怕失去的感觉，我没有想像中的坚强...

有人说，拥有就是失去的开始？也许吧...我只是知道，有很多事情，我搞不懂，也不希望结局会是我想像的那样。你说，相信缘分，是你的就是你的，如果注定不是你的，那就会流失，变成有缘无份。我相信缘分，但如果没有把握，就算是上天安排的缘分，也一样有始无终。人是会随着时间而改变的，就算是承诺了，也没有人能够确保，这一切不会改变，没有谁会为了谁而放弃生活。这个世界，让我看清了好多现实的面孔，虽然我并不想接受！

我觉得自己好幸福，幸福得让我好难过，为什么让我拥有那么多，却又是如此的短暂？这一切很美好，但为何无法一直拥有？

Hey guys! It seems like I've been away for quite a while. Sorry for not updating this blog, I'm pretty sure I'll need ample of time to update what I'm currently up to. Just gotta say, I'm back in Malaysia and in just a few weeks time I'm leaving for Adelaide again. I just can't put my feelings in words, and there's definitely too much to be describe.

In the past few weeks, I spent my time at Penang, Kuala Lumpur and Kuching. Even though it's just less than a week time at Penang, but it was undeniably AWESOME! It was heart stacking having to leave. I've been questioning myself every night before sleep if all of this was just a dream. How I wish it was, I rather believing this is just a dream, than having to realize that it's so painful getting back to reality. Dear God, thanks for giving me so much!

5 days in Penang is probably the most memorable moment in my life. There's things that I couldn't explain, there's moment where I laugh so hard because of those joyful moments. There's moment where I feel like crying seeing those touching moment. There's moment where you can see tears in my eyes, not because I'm feeling sad, but there's someone who understand me from the bottom of the heart, and caring for me like never ever before. Distance are tearing us apart, but you'll always be the special one. I wonder when'll be my next trip back, but I know we'll keep our promise towards achieving our own dream in life. I always hope there's an 'IF' in life, but we all know things would never be the same even there's an 'IF'!

Anyway, Congrats to my dearest Bro and Ai Sin for their sweet wedding! Wish you guys all the best in the future and eternal love. This trip back to Penang was definitely different from my previous trip back. It's only been 2 years since I last went back, and most of the relatives doesn't seems to be able to recognize me. I wonder if there's so much changes in 2 years period? It has been really funny that people seems to recognize me wrongly and with such a ridiculous assumption.

I have no idea what's in my mind at the moment. But, I'm still tired from the 4 months+ of hard work after finishing my Diploma. It's really been tiring coming back this time. I spent most of my time travelling from one place to another. Can't believe that I've catch 6 flight for this trip back, and yet it's not the end.

I know it's impossible, but how I wish I could stay longer in where I am now.

虽然你这一次没有拿到这个冠军，但我依然想写这篇文章给你。别人都是看卡通长大的，但我是看羽球赛长大的，我为这而感到自豪。对我来说，李宗伟就是我非常敬佩的人物，不是因为他样貌如何，也不是因为他有多厉害，而是敬佩他为羽球付出的努力，为梦想坚持的毅力！当然我们必须对他的羽球功力大大赞赏。

我很敬佩他永不放弃的心态，就算是大家眼中的不可能，他也可以变成可能。不只在于羽球，就算是羽球以为的救灾活动他也自己下手来办，赢球的奖金也捐出去当善款。在马来西亚，我敢说，李宗伟的人气来得我国首相更旺，无人不晓李宗伟。就算在国外也好，他也大受好评！

我更佩服他，能够抵受媒体和无良球迷的批评。无论被说得再恶劣，他依然为大马人争取荣誉，一直都没打退堂鼓。又有多少人真正的了解他的羽球路程，有多少人看见了他在球场上流下的汗水，还有他那输球后默默流下的泪水？人生就是如此现实，3分努力，7分幸运，这由不得你不相信。

宗伟，
别哭！就算要哭，也是为自己的表现感到自豪而感动落泪！就算哭，也记得回头看看那成千上万在后头支持你的大马人，还有世界各地的球迷们！其实看到你哭，我也好心疼...比赛就是有输赢，你背着国人给予的厚望登上世界舞台，只要努力了就好，更不应该自责些什么...



就算一直的重复这个短片，我依然为他流泪...金银还是铜其实根本就不重要！那一面奥运银牌背后有多么心酸，有多少人真正的了解？

李爸爸，你也别哭，也应该为自己培养出来的儿子感到骄傲，那世上只有一个的李宗伟！

Translation (Ps: Mind my lousy translation=D)

Even though you didn’t manage to win the game, but this article is still dedicated to you. People grew up watching cartoons during their childhood, but I grew up watching badminton match, and I’m absolutely proud of it. Lee Chong Wei is a greatly respected person to me, it wasn’t about his appearance or his tremendous tactics on the court, I salute his great effort on badminton, and undeniably the persistence of holding on his dream every now and then. Anyhow, his magic trick on the badminton court is one of the spotlights as well.


I salute on his never-give-up spirit. Even though it seems to be impossible in everyone’s point of view, he would eventually prove that nothing is impossible with his effort. He is not only a professional badminton player but a charity donor which organise fund raising activities and even donate the prize he managed to gain in his tournaments. In Malaysia, Lee Chong Wei’s popularity could be compared to our national PM, there is no one that simply doesn’t know who is Dato’ Lee Chong Wei. Obviously, it is also the same in the other foreign countries. Lee Chong Wei is definitely a public figures which is currently being highly discussed in all the social networks and media including Facebook. It is clearly seen that more people writing up a post about Lee Chong Wei’s outstanding performance than trying to congratulate Lin Dan as the winner.


I salute on him being able to tolerate those negative judgements from the public. No matter how harsh he’s being criticized, he never gives up bringing those glory moments to Malaysian! Did you ever think of how much he has gone through in this badminton journey? Have you seen those sweats from all of his trainings? Have you ever seen him with tears as the reason of losing a match? This is life where we call realistic, 30% of hard work and 70% of luck. It is not up to you to believe it or not.


Dear Chong Wei,
Don’t cry. Even if you had to, please be proud of your own achievement. No matter what happened, please do remember to turn around as there’ll be millions and thousands of people out there trying to make you through the hard time. Watching you in tears is definitely heart stacking. There’ll always be a winner in a match, it is absolutely a hard work having all those expectation on your shoulder. Please do remember that, it is good enough with the effort and hard work you’ve done. You shouldn’t be feeling sorry to anyone.


Dear Chong Wei’s daddy,
Don’t cry too. Be proud to yourself and Chong Wei’s achievement. The things that you’ve sacrifices is definitely worth it, by giving Malaysia the Only and Wonderful ‘LEE CHONG WEI’!

想要知道，在这一刻的我，对人生，是什么看法吗？虽然我还未满20，才过了人生的4分之1，应该什么都还没见识过。但，比起同龄的人来说，我也许看得多一些。今天的我，之所以会在这里，是我坚持的选择。虽然这条路，好艰难，不过如果让我再次选择，我还是没有遗憾。我很喜欢这个地方，虽然在这21个月里，有欢喜，有悲伤，有煎熬，有庆幸，有受伤，有汗水，有眼泪。但...谢谢你们给我的欢乐，谢谢你们曾经伤害我，没有这些，就没有成长。在这个地方，我才明白原来自己曾经是如此的天真，以为对每一个人的好，都会得到相同的回报，但我忘了有样东西叫‘妒嫉’。当你拥有得比别人更多时，自然就会有如此的现象出现。我只能说，曾几何时，自己好愚蠢！现在回头看，感觉自己好像当时活在童话里。

在学业方面，从以前到现在，我依然认为无论我多努力，还是比不上哥哥和姐姐。我没有他们的努力和聪明，但对自己的要求却高得很。我只有一股拼劲，把自己逼到极点。曾经有人说，我让他的日子很压力，因为我太拼了。我好想知道，为什么我的拼劲没有激发你的努力，反而让你觉得压力，你应该是在担心自己做不到，所以才有压力吧。妈妈曾经说过，当你会在别人后头闲言闲语是，说着的其实是你自己的缺点，长大后，我也开始观察了解这个道理。

在我开始接近20岁时，我开始明白为什么大家都说不想长大。原来当你懂得更多，明白现实的残酷时，才了解原来大人的世间，好复杂。我18岁，就开始工作和读书，照顾老人家。里头的同事，就算年纪再小，也20出头，年纪大的，也许能当我奶奶。在这一份工作，我看到了现实的残酷，人类的善恶。每个人都问我，你为什么想当护士？为什么不是医术，牙科，药剂师等的？我要的并不是把他们治好或什么，而是能够在每个人最难熬的日子，能够陪伴着他们渡过。我一直都不明白，为何好人短命，坏人长寿，也许他们上半辈子是个好人，这一生，风水轮流转？我觉得护士这份工作没有大家想象的容易，无论多难熬，你都必须很坚强，有时候即使你知道有些事情是不可能了，还是必须坚持着那一份信念。

有时候，我不禁会想，老了以后，是否也会一样如此？最近看了一篇文章，关于一位护士写人们在人生的末端时最大的遗憾。有一点我很赞同，就是对于没有提起勇气去追求后遗憾的事情。故事我也听了不少，人生难免总有遗憾，才显得拥有的事情，有多美好不是吗？当中也有提到，太拼的工作，到后来才发觉，其实应该善待自己。人生就是如此的简单，自己拥有的不知足，得不到的永远是最好的。其实如果换个角度来思考，也许会过得开心点。只可惜，说得容易，要真的做到，真的很难。再坚强的人，还是会掉泪，只是在可以丢下伪装的面具时候。你相信两个携手过活的人，如果有一天分开了，也不会分开很久吗？我相信...因为我看见了很多例子。我也相信人在即将离开时是会有预感的，不由得你不相信。

这世上，没有什么永不改变的，真的没有。曾经有这么一个老人家，有这么一天对我说故事，抽根烟，数数空中飞过的飞机，开心的说他今天终于上了大号。明天，他进了院，半身瘫痪了，再也不能说话进食了，在不到两星期就离开了。当时我只觉得，人生好残酷，为什么就可以如此结束？他还有好多未完成的事情...就算是再多爱心，有时候难免还是会失去那么点耐心。

至于爱情，应该是我最失败的一块吧！从头到尾，我都是输家，永远都守不住紧握在手里的东西。但，谢谢你，陪我熬过那最艰难的日子，谢谢你带给我那么多的回忆。虽然分开的原因很无奈，该放弃的还是得放开，虽然不晓得是事实还是谎言，以后的事就顺其自然吧...我真的相信缘分，遇见你是我这一辈子不曾预想的意外，1年多后让我再次相信的人，我都不认为会是在遇见你以后。拿起和放下一样的难，即使再多的时间，伤口依然存在。另一方面，为什么在一切还没有告一段落时，你还要来当我的负担？我只能说，无论如何，我还是希望从以前到现在，什么都没变，很多事情是无法拿来比较的。

在家人这一方面，我觉得自己好任性，只为了换取自由。我需要自由，没有了自由就好比没有了空气一样。我常常赌气，因为无法接受人生的一切都必须受到干涉。但我很幸运，他们还是如此的爱我！

我在想，顺其自然我能够做到吗？其实，我有点气，气你好自私，气你做这个决定。但，我只能说我心软，我已经努力过坚持了，却抵受不了你的眼泪。我不晓得接下来的我，能做什么，还是一样的过着我忙碌的生活，只是有股冲劲想要离开这里。我很明白离开，只是为了逃避而已。我只是希望自己不要再去想了，最近已经瘦了好多，而且也好像快病了。

我只是知道，我好累，只想好好休息，好讨厌如此拼命工作的我！说我工作狂，是对的！对不起，你是否觉得我都走得太快，不曾停下脚步来呢？其实，我觉得自己比较象男生。

无论是谁都好，我们都要坚强好吗？说得容易，但我们都哭了是吧？我不晓得该如何，就只能面对现实，告诉自己要坚强，因为以我的个性来看，至少在两年里，我是接受不了另一个人的。人们都说，射手很花心，但其实他们很执着。

大家都说，射手就象征着乐观和热爱自由。对，我爱自由，但并没有你们想像的乐观，只是无论什么事，嘴边都挂着我没事！但又有谁了解，在夜深人静的时候，我都躲到被单里偷偷哭泣，只是不想在大家面前展现那脆弱的一面。不要把我看得好坚强，我只是不停的告诉自己，即使哭得再如何是好，日子还是得过的。我可以在大家面前嘻皮笑脸，但笑在脸上，痛在心里。

我只是知道现在的我，很需要离开这里，消失个几天，为自己放个假。我不想交待些什么，只想一个人就那样人间蒸发一段时间。虽然无法现在就做到，但我答应自己，我会做到的。我也许放不开，但忙碌的生活，会对我有所帮助吧！目前的我，只想把自己的事情解决好，为未来打算。傻瓜，要坚强好吗？

说真的，我不晓得我在干什么？我也不知道我怎么了？我只是知道，原来自己还是没有想象中的坚强，我还是崩溃了。我只能说，当坚强用完时，我却只想要逃避。其实，另一方面我却想弄清楚事情。对，我是个爱哭鬼，可是这回先哭的人是你。你说对不起，我也想说对不起。当时的我好平静，只是你哭了，我好心疼。也许当时的我装作坚强，但今天的我，一样哭得稀里哗啦。

我只能够说，我放不下心来，我不想放弃，但我尊重你的决定。很久很久以前，我花了四年放下我该放掉的，不久前，我花了接近2年再次相信这件事。我一直都活在过去，没有在折磨自己，但伤口一旦形成了，我必须学会保护自己。我不是在执著，但我愿意等待，你没有在浪费我的时间。我们都了解在这个时候，是什么对我们最重要。对不起，我明白你体验的压力，更不想成为另一种压力，我只是不想那么容易就放弃。

如果想忘记，也许我会坚持一个人就好。曾经的回忆，总是闪过我脑海里，我该如何是好？我没有假装坚强，只是伪装的好，但还是骗不了自己。就连上班搭巴士，却忘了按铃下车，我也不晓得，只是脑袋里闪过的全是我们的对话。我已经累得说不出话来了，更不晓得接下来的我除了工作和为未来努力，还剩下什么？

I'm still tired after all, have been feeling kind of weird recently, can't figure out what have I done in my sleep. I answer call and wake up without any memory of doing so. Is it because I'm too tired. Anyway, don't call me when i'm sleeping, I can't recall anything when I got up, and I seriously need some sleep without disturb.

Was really busy with work, got mixed up between being a carer and doing the medication. I'm getting used to doing the medication, but it's all a rush to just finish everything within that period. More work, more responsibility. But that actually gives me an opportunity to keep practice at the moment. I think it'll be a bit hard to actually keep on track if I wasn't doing it for at least 3 months.

What wrong with people recently? Everyone is being so eager to know anything they would ever wanted to know. Have you ever think of freedom and privacy? Wanting to know is not being caring, this reason is bull shit! I don't care who you are, but leave my life alone. Don't ask why, because I hate it. For a typical saggitarius like me, trying to get involved with my personal space is equally killing me! I will eventually tell you whatever I'm willing to reveal, but please, don't ask for more.

And what's wrong with people? Stop coming after me... It is so freaking annoying! I can be really straight forward if you want me to.

There's things that I need to get through and I'm promising myself that I'll go for a holiday after this=) it doesn't matter if it's a short getaway, as long as I went away and relax for a while. Wanted to go beach, but it's so bloody cold right now! I will eventually get myself somewhere to hide=P it's time to worry on what presents to buy for my dear, this question is so hard! He doesn't seems to be in need of anything><

What kind of life is this? This is really tiring. Work has become the first thing that appears in my mind when I was awaken by my alarm around 5 in the morning. Believe me, I have no appetite to eat at all. The appetite come in the middle of work when you finally know that you're doing fine at work today. By the time I get home and have a shower, all I want is just sleep. When I finally wake up at 6.30pm for dinner, you'll definitely see me sitting down and staring at my food for the next half an hour. There's nothing wrong at all, just that I'm still in snooze mode, and I'll be questioning myself and everyone on how did I get down here? I have no idea at all, that is how disorientated I am.

That is still not too bad. Sometimes when I work double shift, I'll be back for lunch but it pretty much depends on how long is the break in between. I'll be back for lunch and a short nap if it is long enough to be back. Anyway, it's gonna be really late when I got home, have shower and dinner. It's bed time again, bad luck if I'm working in the morning the next day or even double again. This is what I mean by work, eat and sleep. I've been eating pretty much, but mind me, it's never the same time. I can have my dinner around 11pm if I work in the afternoon.

I wish everyone understand how's that feel to me. So.. I'm sorry if I fall asleep when I'm talking to you. I'm sorry if I lose my temper if you can't stop grumbling on me. I'm sorry if I'm being grumpy due to the long day I had. It doesn't mean I'm alright even I didn't mention how's my day at work. It can be fun sometimes, but there are days where it's just not my day.

Yet, I'm still here. Writing and writing before bed time. It's gonna be another long day again tomorrow, gonna be a double shift. I'm so gonna disappear after things are settled. Can't wait for that! Hmm, even a 1 hour bus ride from Hosanna to Westlakes is actually kind of relaxing=) but I wanna go somewhere further=)

Well, I've been writing a lot recently aye? Here again, I know I sounds kind of depressing. Yes to be honest, due to the mixture of tired, stress, worry and mad. And please, I don't need you to ask, I don't need you to say anything. The more you ask, the more you say, I'm getting even more grumpy. Just... Let it be=) this applies to everyone, it doesn't matter who you are.

I desperately wanted a great escape, all of this is too much for me. I need a good sleep, which I don't want anyone to disturb me at all. I wish there is nothing that would bother me and I'll just concentrate and work as I can. But as we know, there are days that just doesn't seems to go in the way that I wanted.

I'm in need of a superman. I need to go fast, as fast as I could! I have no idea what makes me so grumpy recently. But I've had enough, telling the truth was probably the wrong decision, I thought things would turn out better, but you're thinking in the opposite way. I hope that people around me are living a live without worries. It seems impossible, but at least keep yourself busy only worrying about your own problems. Don't assume when you think you're right. No matter who you are, I can't stand that. I couldn't say the truth as I know people care about me, but have you ever think about the freedom and privacy that everyone deserves?