想要知道，在这一刻的我，对人生，是什么看法吗？虽然我还未满20，才过了人生的4分之1，应该什么都还没见识过。但，比起同龄的人来说，我也许看得多一些。今天的我，之所以会在这里，是我坚持的选择。虽然这条路，好艰难，不过如果让我再次选择，我还是没有遗憾。我很喜欢这个地方，虽然在这21个月里，有欢喜，有悲伤，有煎熬，有庆幸，有受伤，有汗水，有眼泪。但...谢谢你们给我的欢乐，谢谢你们曾经伤害我，没有这些，就没有成长。在这个地方，我才明白原来自己曾经是如此的天真，以为对每一个人的好，都会得到相同的回报，但我忘了有样东西叫‘妒嫉’。当你拥有得比别人更多时，自然就会有如此的现象出现。我只能说，曾几何时，自己好愚蠢！现在回头看，感觉自己好像当时活在童话里。

在学业方面，从以前到现在，我依然认为无论我多努力，还是比不上哥哥和姐姐。我没有他们的努力和聪明，但对自己的要求却高得很。我只有一股拼劲，把自己逼到极点。曾经有人说，我让他的日子很压力，因为我太拼了。我好想知道，为什么我的拼劲没有激发你的努力，反而让你觉得压力，你应该是在担心自己做不到，所以才有压力吧。妈妈曾经说过，当你会在别人后头闲言闲语是，说着的其实是你自己的缺点，长大后，我也开始观察了解这个道理。

在我开始接近20岁时，我开始明白为什么大家都说不想长大。原来当你懂得更多，明白现实的残酷时，才了解原来大人的世间，好复杂。我18岁，就开始工作和读书，照顾老人家。里头的同事，就算年纪再小，也20出头，年纪大的，也许能当我奶奶。在这一份工作，我看到了现实的残酷，人类的善恶。每个人都问我，你为什么想当护士？为什么不是医术，牙科，药剂师等的？我要的并不是把他们治好或什么，而是能够在每个人最难熬的日子，能够陪伴着他们渡过。我一直都不明白，为何好人短命，坏人长寿，也许他们上半辈子是个好人，这一生，风水轮流转？我觉得护士这份工作没有大家想象的容易，无论多难熬，你都必须很坚强，有时候即使你知道有些事情是不可能了，还是必须坚持着那一份信念。

有时候，我不禁会想，老了以后，是否也会一样如此？最近看了一篇文章，关于一位护士写人们在人生的末端时最大的遗憾。有一点我很赞同，就是对于没有提起勇气去追求后遗憾的事情。故事我也听了不少，人生难免总有遗憾，才显得拥有的事情，有多美好不是吗？当中也有提到，太拼的工作，到后来才发觉，其实应该善待自己。人生就是如此的简单，自己拥有的不知足，得不到的永远是最好的。其实如果换个角度来思考，也许会过得开心点。只可惜，说得容易，要真的做到，真的很难。再坚强的人，还是会掉泪，只是在可以丢下伪装的面具时候。你相信两个携手过活的人，如果有一天分开了，也不会分开很久吗？我相信...因为我看见了很多例子。我也相信人在即将离开时是会有预感的，不由得你不相信。

这世上，没有什么永不改变的，真的没有。曾经有这么一个老人家，有这么一天对我说故事，抽根烟，数数空中飞过的飞机，开心的说他今天终于上了大号。明天，他进了院，半身瘫痪了，再也不能说话进食了，在不到两星期就离开了。当时我只觉得，人生好残酷，为什么就可以如此结束？他还有好多未完成的事情...就算是再多爱心，有时候难免还是会失去那么点耐心。

至于爱情，应该是我最失败的一块吧！从头到尾，我都是输家，永远都守不住紧握在手里的东西。但，谢谢你，陪我熬过那最艰难的日子，谢谢你带给我那么多的回忆。虽然分开的原因很无奈，该放弃的还是得放开，虽然不晓得是事实还是谎言，以后的事就顺其自然吧...我真的相信缘分，遇见你是我这一辈子不曾预想的意外，1年多后让我再次相信的人，我都不认为会是在遇见你以后。拿起和放下一样的难，即使再多的时间，伤口依然存在。另一方面，为什么在一切还没有告一段落时，你还要来当我的负担？我只能说，无论如何，我还是希望从以前到现在，什么都没变，很多事情是无法拿来比较的。

在家人这一方面，我觉得自己好任性，只为了换取自由。我需要自由，没有了自由就好比没有了空气一样。我常常赌气，因为无法接受人生的一切都必须受到干涉。但我很幸运，他们还是如此的爱我！

我在想，顺其自然我能够做到吗？其实，我有点气，气你好自私，气你做这个决定。但，我只能说我心软，我已经努力过坚持了，却抵受不了你的眼泪。我不晓得接下来的我，能做什么，还是一样的过着我忙碌的生活，只是有股冲劲想要离开这里。我很明白离开，只是为了逃避而已。我只是希望自己不要再去想了，最近已经瘦了好多，而且也好像快病了。

我只是知道，我好累，只想好好休息，好讨厌如此拼命工作的我！说我工作狂，是对的！对不起，你是否觉得我都走得太快，不曾停下脚步来呢？其实，我觉得自己比较象男生。

无论是谁都好，我们都要坚强好吗？说得容易，但我们都哭了是吧？我不晓得该如何，就只能面对现实，告诉自己要坚强，因为以我的个性来看，至少在两年里，我是接受不了另一个人的。人们都说，射手很花心，但其实他们很执着。

大家都说，射手就象征着乐观和热爱自由。对，我爱自由，但并没有你们想像的乐观，只是无论什么事，嘴边都挂着我没事！但又有谁了解，在夜深人静的时候，我都躲到被单里偷偷哭泣，只是不想在大家面前展现那脆弱的一面。不要把我看得好坚强，我只是不停的告诉自己，即使哭得再如何是好，日子还是得过的。我可以在大家面前嘻皮笑脸，但笑在脸上，痛在心里。

我只是知道现在的我，很需要离开这里，消失个几天，为自己放个假。我不想交待些什么，只想一个人就那样人间蒸发一段时间。虽然无法现在就做到，但我答应自己，我会做到的。我也许放不开，但忙碌的生活，会对我有所帮助吧！目前的我，只想把自己的事情解决好，为未来打算。傻瓜，要坚强好吗？

说真的，我不晓得我在干什么？我也不知道我怎么了？我只是知道，原来自己还是没有想象中的坚强，我还是崩溃了。我只能说，当坚强用完时，我却只想要逃避。其实，另一方面我却想弄清楚事情。对，我是个爱哭鬼，可是这回先哭的人是你。你说对不起，我也想说对不起。当时的我好平静，只是你哭了，我好心疼。也许当时的我装作坚强，但今天的我，一样哭得稀里哗啦。

我只能够说，我放不下心来，我不想放弃，但我尊重你的决定。很久很久以前，我花了四年放下我该放掉的，不久前，我花了接近2年再次相信这件事。我一直都活在过去，没有在折磨自己，但伤口一旦形成了，我必须学会保护自己。我不是在执著，但我愿意等待，你没有在浪费我的时间。我们都了解在这个时候，是什么对我们最重要。对不起，我明白你体验的压力，更不想成为另一种压力，我只是不想那么容易就放弃。

如果想忘记，也许我会坚持一个人就好。曾经的回忆，总是闪过我脑海里，我该如何是好？我没有假装坚强，只是伪装的好，但还是骗不了自己。就连上班搭巴士，却忘了按铃下车，我也不晓得，只是脑袋里闪过的全是我们的对话。我已经累得说不出话来了，更不晓得接下来的我除了工作和为未来努力，还剩下什么？

I'm still tired after all, have been feeling kind of weird recently, can't figure out what have I done in my sleep. I answer call and wake up without any memory of doing so. Is it because I'm too tired. Anyway, don't call me when i'm sleeping, I can't recall anything when I got up, and I seriously need some sleep without disturb.

Was really busy with work, got mixed up between being a carer and doing the medication. I'm getting used to doing the medication, but it's all a rush to just finish everything within that period. More work, more responsibility. But that actually gives me an opportunity to keep practice at the moment. I think it'll be a bit hard to actually keep on track if I wasn't doing it for at least 3 months.

What wrong with people recently? Everyone is being so eager to know anything they would ever wanted to know. Have you ever think of freedom and privacy? Wanting to know is not being caring, this reason is bull shit! I don't care who you are, but leave my life alone. Don't ask why, because I hate it. For a typical saggitarius like me, trying to get involved with my personal space is equally killing me! I will eventually tell you whatever I'm willing to reveal, but please, don't ask for more.

And what's wrong with people? Stop coming after me... It is so freaking annoying! I can be really straight forward if you want me to.

There's things that I need to get through and I'm promising myself that I'll go for a holiday after this=) it doesn't matter if it's a short getaway, as long as I went away and relax for a while. Wanted to go beach, but it's so bloody cold right now! I will eventually get myself somewhere to hide=P it's time to worry on what presents to buy for my dear, this question is so hard! He doesn't seems to be in need of anything><

What kind of life is this? This is really tiring. Work has become the first thing that appears in my mind when I was awaken by my alarm around 5 in the morning. Believe me, I have no appetite to eat at all. The appetite come in the middle of work when you finally know that you're doing fine at work today. By the time I get home and have a shower, all I want is just sleep. When I finally wake up at 6.30pm for dinner, you'll definitely see me sitting down and staring at my food for the next half an hour. There's nothing wrong at all, just that I'm still in snooze mode, and I'll be questioning myself and everyone on how did I get down here? I have no idea at all, that is how disorientated I am.

That is still not too bad. Sometimes when I work double shift, I'll be back for lunch but it pretty much depends on how long is the break in between. I'll be back for lunch and a short nap if it is long enough to be back. Anyway, it's gonna be really late when I got home, have shower and dinner. It's bed time again, bad luck if I'm working in the morning the next day or even double again. This is what I mean by work, eat and sleep. I've been eating pretty much, but mind me, it's never the same time. I can have my dinner around 11pm if I work in the afternoon.

I wish everyone understand how's that feel to me. So.. I'm sorry if I fall asleep when I'm talking to you. I'm sorry if I lose my temper if you can't stop grumbling on me. I'm sorry if I'm being grumpy due to the long day I had. It doesn't mean I'm alright even I didn't mention how's my day at work. It can be fun sometimes, but there are days where it's just not my day.

Yet, I'm still here. Writing and writing before bed time. It's gonna be another long day again tomorrow, gonna be a double shift. I'm so gonna disappear after things are settled. Can't wait for that! Hmm, even a 1 hour bus ride from Hosanna to Westlakes is actually kind of relaxing=) but I wanna go somewhere further=)

Well, I've been writing a lot recently aye? Here again, I know I sounds kind of depressing. Yes to be honest, due to the mixture of tired, stress, worry and mad. And please, I don't need you to ask, I don't need you to say anything. The more you ask, the more you say, I'm getting even more grumpy. Just... Let it be=) this applies to everyone, it doesn't matter who you are.

I desperately wanted a great escape, all of this is too much for me. I need a good sleep, which I don't want anyone to disturb me at all. I wish there is nothing that would bother me and I'll just concentrate and work as I can. But as we know, there are days that just doesn't seems to go in the way that I wanted.

I'm in need of a superman. I need to go fast, as fast as I could! I have no idea what makes me so grumpy recently. But I've had enough, telling the truth was probably the wrong decision, I thought things would turn out better, but you're thinking in the opposite way. I hope that people around me are living a live without worries. It seems impossible, but at least keep yourself busy only worrying about your own problems. Don't assume when you think you're right. No matter who you are, I can't stand that. I couldn't say the truth as I know people care about me, but have you ever think about the freedom and privacy that everyone deserves?